I heard something today on the lovely platform that is Instagram. It was by Megan Fate Marshman, a fellow young widowed momma and pastor. She’s absolutely inspiring and a truth-speaker, if I’ve ever heard one. She mentioned the phrase many of us have heard, hurt people, hurt people. She continued and said, “You may have heard me say, ‘healed people, heal people.’ Okay, lets keep going,” she continues. “Forgiven people, forgive people.” Those three things, right there, cover so much of what I see in relationships in this modern world.
Hurt people, hurt people. Healed people, heal people. Forgiven people, forgive people.
Which one are you? Which one am I? Probably all three at different times. I think this sentiment could be said in many different ways. Cared for people, care for people. Loved people, love people. It’s kind of like that saying, “Garbage in, garbage out.” What is watered, grows. And other people are often those gardeners, watering you.
I look at my own life and can identify dozens of gardeners who have strongly influenced who I am, watered me in different seasons of my life. Whether it be my parents, close friends, aunts, sister-in-laws, or even the baristas I came to know at a local coffee shop in Denver — I have been made kinder, more giving, loving, thoughtful, courageous, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and brave because of others showing these traits towards me or in life as we walk along side each other.
But you can’t just rely on the influence of others. Have you ever heard therapists say, “Do the work”? It’s a phrase we like to use to describe the internal personal reflection, processing, and uncovering of deep roots within to learn about ourselves, what we feel, and the why behind our thoughts, feelings, and actions. From there, the healing and deeper knowing, higher functioning, more fulfilling experience of life and relationships with self and others can begin to grow and flourish. And, good and bad news, the work is never done. Learning about oneself and growing into healthier versions of ourselves is refreshing, but the work that foregoes is often painful and exhausting. But it’s so very worth it.
Unfortunately, many don’t choose to heal. They choose distraction, busyness, and a million things to hide their rotting roots. The thing is, those roots are what feed the branches and eventually, the unhealthy state of that plant will show through. It will show up as addiction, unhealthy relationships, intentionally and unintentionally hurting others, anxiety, depression, excessive spending, drinking, eating, gaming, partying. Control will be chased. To continue with the metaphor, one will desperately try to keep things alive, okay, moving forward; possibly smothering the plant with anxious care or detrimental coping habits - too much water, too much trimming, too much sun, too much. In the search for control and to keep everything living, if even just barely, they drown the plant and eventually, it and all around it withers.
In desperate search for control and to keep everything living, if even just barely, they drown the plant and eventually, it and all around it withers.
All of the things used in attempt to keep things “okay” aren’t addressing the root of the unhealth; rather, they’re only causing more rot. And so, hurt people, hurt people. Not because they want to, but because they haven’t healed their own pain and wounds yet. They don’t understand their triggers or that they even have them. Experiences in current relationships often trigger something painful from past relationships; that pain moves from the past, through the person, and into the present, affecting the new relationship. Or perhaps, he never learned how to hold and experience difficult emotions as a child. When I held psycho-educational groups on an inpatient psychiatric unit, we would discuss that there are no good or bad emotions - there are just emotions. Some are pleasant and some are difficult. Like I tell my three year old, “Theo, it’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hurt people because you are angry.” It sounds elementary, but I think we’d be surprised by how many adults don’t know how to name an emotion they’re experiencing, welcome and sit with that emotion without judgment, and move through that emotion in a healthy way. As humans, we’ll do anything to stay comfortable and those difficult emotions aren’t comfortable, so if one doesn’t learn emotional health as a child, it’s no wonder he reaches for other things as an adult like addiction and distraction. And guess what? Those things, like most things, work until they don’t. And addiction and distraction will never work forever. Not only will they hurt that person, but there will be collateral damage along the way and for weeks, months, years to come.
So, you want to love others well? Become emotionally healthy. Learn about yourself, your past, the “why” that drives certain reactions or needs. Do. The. Work. It’s not selfish to spend time on yourself. It’s the most loving thing you can do for others.
Healed people, heal people.
